I am not myself lately. In fact, some days I hear the Talking Heads in my own head – HOW DID I GET HERE???
I thought I had crossed enough bridges and moved enough times that I was adept at it all, but this time the resilience is slow in coming and at moments it all feels like a little too much. I am easily provoked and annoyed. I feel out of focus and discombobulated.
Similar to how the squeaky wheel gets the grease, when going through major life transitions, it is ofter easer to focus on the irritations rather than the upsides. And when the going gets tough, I tend to romanticize past situations. But I know everything can look better in the rearview mirror and the only direction to go is forward, so I think on that. With my new friend, Insomnia, I have plenty of time in the middle of the night to ponder away. The bedroom windows are open allowing for a cool breeze, the darkness is comforting, and all is quiet until the birds start chirping shortly before 5:00 a.m.
What do I think about in the middle of the night? I try to figure out why I feel so out of sync with myself. I think about how I got here and how to move forward. I think about who I have become and who I want to be. I’m often surprised these days when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and am reminded – I am not 21 anymore! In some ways the world is no longer my oyster, but in other ways it is more so than it ever was. No little ones needing 24/7 vigilance. I don’t have a job eating up 50-60 hours of my week and my husband is very low maintenance. doing more things for me than I do for him.
I have the great privilege of choosing how to spend my remaining years. We live our lives through the choices we make and I’m determined to make my way through my melancholy and follow my dream. More than anything, I want to write and publish my book. So, I’m taking a hiatus from blogging. My original goal was to post twice a week for one year. Camp Grandma Musings is now over two years old, and I’ve never missed a Sunday or Wednesday. Over the past couple of years I have “met” new people through my blog. I’ve reconnected with others (I’m looking at you Barb!) and I’ve had a great time. Merci beaucoup for every read, comment, and share.
Whiles it is a little bittersweet to let it go, I don’t want to be on my death bed thinking – if I had just tried a little harder, I would have gotten that book done. I’m going to spend a few weeks getting settled into our new home and recovering my joie de vivre. Then I will work on establishing a routine that allows me to work on my book each day. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll be passing a bookshop and there will be my book – shiny and new – the pot of gold at the end of one of my personal rainbows.
C’est la vie.