Merci beaucoup…

I am not myself lately. In fact, some days I hear the Talking Heads in my own head – HOW DID I GET HERE???

I thought I had crossed enough bridges and moved enough times that I was adept at it all, but this time the resilience is slow in coming and at moments it all feels like a little too much. I am easily provoked and annoyed. I feel out of focus and discombobulated.

Similar to how the squeaky wheel gets the grease, when going through major life transitions, it is ofter easer to focus on the irritations rather than the upsides. And when the going gets tough, I tend to romanticize past situations. But I know everything can look better in the rearview mirror and the only direction to go is forward, so I think on that. With my new friend, Insomnia, I have plenty of time in the middle of the night to ponder away. The bedroom windows are open allowing for a cool breeze, the darkness is comforting, and all is quiet until the birds start chirping shortly before 5:00 a.m.

What do I think about in the middle of the night? I try to figure out why I feel so out of sync with myself. I think about how I got here and how to move forward. I think about who I have become and who I want to be. I’m often surprised these days when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and am reminded – I am not 21 anymore! In some ways the world is no longer my oyster, but in other ways it is more so than it ever was. No little ones needing 24/7 vigilance. I don’t have a job eating up 50-60 hours of my week and my husband is very low maintenance. doing more things for me than I do for him.

I have the great privilege of choosing how to spend my remaining years. We live our lives through the choices we make and I’m determined to make my way through my melancholy and follow my dream. More than anything, I want to write and publish my book. So, I’m taking a hiatus from blogging. My original goal was to post twice a week for one year. Camp Grandma Musings is now over two years old, and I’ve never missed a Sunday or Wednesday. Over the past couple of years I have “met” new people through my blog. I’ve reconnected with others (I’m looking at you Barb!) and I’ve had a great time. Merci beaucoup for every read, comment, and share.

Whiles it is a little bittersweet to let it go, I don’t want to be on my death bed thinking – if I had just tried a little harder, I would have gotten that book done. I’m going to spend a few weeks getting settled into our new home and recovering my joie de vivre. Then I will work on establishing a routine that allows me to work on my book each day. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll be passing a bookshop and there will be my book – shiny and new – the pot of gold at the end of one of my personal rainbows.

C’est la vie.

11 thoughts on “Merci beaucoup…

  1. Wishing you the best future. I have enjoyed reading your blog and will miss it. I’m looking forward to reading your book!! Good luck!

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  2. You go, girl! Life is a personal journey that only we ourselves direct. I am sure you will regain your forward progress, perhaps not linear, but positive movement nonetheless. Transitions are far harder than one would think. And co-occupying spaces that used to be realms of the self is one of the biggies (speaking as someone who now is 24/7 with a retired spouse.) And it can become a joy. Best of luck with the book and the joie de vivre recovery.

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    • Ah, I would think Joe would be a pleasure to be with 24/7!
      Thanks so much for reading and the lovely, encouraging words. I hear there is a good chance we’ll be seeing you in a couple of weeks. Jeanne and I are both looking forward to it.

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  3. Good luck with your book. I’m looking forward to reading it so please let me know when it’s published. I will definitely miss reading your blogs every week. I will miss getting ideas from you on things to do with children, suggestions on what type of bubbly to buy to suggested books to read. Again, good luck with your new adventure & hope we keep in touch.

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  4. Hi Stormy: I read this on Sunday and my first response was NOOOOOO! You’re one of Life’s rare truth tellers and have mastered the art of blogging – it IS an art! This particular “farewell” post said SO MUCH with a few beautiful strokes of the pen. Art. But I get it. In the last 9 years I’ve moved 6 times. Don’t get me started on the number of adjustments I’ve made that I would not have predicted for myself. The hard adjustments suck – and propel us forward, willing or not. You have every right (like you need permission from me! ha!) to make space for this major transition; reevaluation time. You are obviously being kind to yourself, and others, as your internal witness watches the “easily provoked and annoyed” self. Hello Barbara Crum in similar circumstances! It has been such a pleasure reading this blog, getting to know you, your grandkids, your relationship with Mr. Smith, your capacity to entertain and to lay out a beautiful table (zero talent for this I have!). It’s funny – I thought of you several times last week, before you posted this. I have these fancy papers that are designed for serving cake – to whom? when? I have no idea. I got them at a second-hand store because I thought they were beautiful. I came across them as I was arranging books in my cluttered bookcase. They’d already been opened so there were no longer 25 of them (but almost). I don’t know how they’ve survived my 6 moves because I have been a ruthless downsizer. This last week I came across them and kept thinking “Stormy would know what to do with these!” and I wanted to send them to you and then felt foolish for thinking you’d like them…I can’t tell you how touched I was/am that you remembered that long ago conversation we had in the hallway in high school. To be cliche, “it blew my mind.” So, just say the word, and the address, and those cake papers are YOURS! (printed in the USA, http://www.cakevintage.com, 8 inch). And write your book! Or not…You are a unique gift to us, in all emotional states, with our without publishing – THAT you have revealed here. Let this NOT be the last we know of each other!!

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    • You are, as always, much too kind. Yes, major transitions cause major adjustments, not always easy at age 65, but I like to think it will keep me young! As a way of assisting you in your downsizing, I would love to have your fancy papers! I have something for you also, something I normally send people after they are featured in a blog post, but I didn’t have your physical address. I’ll message you my address and yes, I would love to keep in touch with a fellow seeker. Who knows where we’ll end up!

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